The Beginning

My life has always consisted of a set of metaphorical steps. From the very earliest age I can remember I was always in school: preschool, elementary, middle, high school and then college. I played soccer from the early age of five and never stopped. When I was not in school I had the next tournament, the next game, the next practice ready to fill the gaps of my time. Sure, at school I was given some freedom: choosing what assignments to invest in, choosing classes and eventually choosing a college to attend. That being said this is how I visualize my life up to the time I graduated college (my apologies for the binder paper):

Playing soccer, orchestra, even more running and lifting weights were all hobbies that I see as railings for my staircases. They kept me stable, sane, and on the “right” path to college. Until finally… I was done. May 2021 I graduated from the University of Puget Sound with a Bachelor’s in Computer Science and absolutely no idea what to do with the rest of my life.

The staircases were done! I guess the next staircase would be “Work” or “Life” but what does that mean? What does that look like? I do not have a set of classes to keep me on track, I no longer have soccer practices to keep me active, and all of a sudden I have real life things thrown at me such as insurance, bills, taxes, and shit like 401ks to worry about. You know that Harry Potter scene where Hermione, Ron, and Harry are all climbing up the staircases at Hogwarts and then they start moving? I feel like I am at the top of a moving staircase, unable to climb back down, yet there is not another staircase to climb onto in front of me, just an empty abyss and what the hell am I supposed to do? Just jump into nothingness…? Not my style, so now I am on a journey to figure out what’s next…

A friend of mine from college, Ellie Breeden has a Tik Tok series where she wakes up at 5am to do fun activities and shake up the monotony of her life. She posted a video towards the beginning of her journey with a paraphrased quote/interpretation from the book “Can’t Hurt Me” by David Goggins. In her video she says this about a part in the book:

“This is the quote that gets me up out of bed at 5am every day, and 9 times out of 10 I hate fucking inspirational bullshit. But, I was listening to this book when I was in my worst depression and this guy was saying what happens if you live every day the way you are right now? And when you die, you talk to God and God slides a piece of paper across the table and says ‘This is who you were supposed to be. This is what you could have done. What happened?’ And the thought of the person who I was supposed to be, and all of my excuses haunting me for the rest of my life is a hell of a lot scarier than waking up at 5am.”

Spoiler alert - I am NOT waking up at 5am. I admire Ellie for her persistence and tenacity, but 5am is way too early for me. Still, when I heard this quote it was eye opening and honestly petrifying. Life is fricking scary. There are so many possibilities, opportunities and choices to make. This prospect has been so scary to me that I stopped living life for me and started living according to what I thought other people wanted for me or what they thought I should do. Yes, I am at the end of my staircases, but now I have the freedom to decide what’s next! I also want to recognize that this is an INCREDIBLE privilege I have, to be able to go and do what I want, and I do not want to waste this opportunity. Rather than remain stuck in the thoughts of “What should be next?” I want to focus on these questions:

1. What feels good to be doing, and above all what do I want to spend my time doing?

2. Is this activity getting me closer to what I feel is my most authentic self?

3. Is this kind of discomfort necessary for me to grow, or an indication that it is not what I want?

I am starting this blog to document my journey, to document but to also keep myself accountable. I want to remember it is a privilege to be where I am at in life, to have the freedom to live how I choose. Life has a lot to offer and I want to experience as much as I can.