Self Love vs. Needing Others

Society’s dichotomy between the teachings of self love and needing others has been really fricking confusing lately. In the way that I currently see things there are two sides: one side advocates learning to love yourself before letting anyone else in. I summarize what I call the “Worry about Yourself” side as follows:

• Love yourself first. Self love is often thought of as the pinnacle goal for good mental health. Until you can love yourself with all of your flaws, issues and trauma, do not even try to let someone else in. Social media is flooded with quotes like theses:

  • “Self love is not selfish; you cannot truly love another until you learn how to love yourself”

  • “Love yourself first and everything else falls into line. You really have to love yourself to get anything done in this world.

Side two is the side that I will summarize as the “You Need People” side. Society is also inundated with messages about how as humans we need others whether that be friends, family, coworkers, etc.. Being alone all the time is isolating and leads to poor mental health. We need support, community and relationships to truly feel alive.

That’s not confusing at all, right?

Add in the definition of self love and it gets even more confusing. Google defines self love as follows:

Self-love, defined as "love of self" or "regard for one's own happiness or advantage", has been conceptualized both as a basic human necessity and as a moral flaw, akin to vanity and selfishness, synonymous with amour propre, conceitedness, egotism, narcissism, et al.

At least to me, society seems to be presenting the biggest open to interpretation, fricking double standard. Do not need people too much… you should love yourself enough that you are ok to spend days alone. Oh but wait! Do not get too comfortable with yourself, you need to also think about others and their needs so as not to be selfish and egotistical.

As a woman I believe there is often an even bigger double standard because in many cases we are put in the role of the nurturer, or the caretaker, but as soon as we want that same attention and love in return we are being needy and unreasonable.

So where is the line? When is it ok to prioritize yourself and put others on the back-burner? When is it ok to put up boundaries to take care of your health even when those you love are hurting too? How much self love is too much and when does it transform from a goal to strive for, into a characteristic of self centeredness?

No seriously, I am asking because I am really struggling.

Here is what I can make sense of so far…

Side 1: Worry About Yourself

I went shopping this weekend and bought a neon pink dress. It is very unlike my usual style but it made me super happy, so I bought it. Shout out to Old Navy for always having cute clothes. Sometimes, self love is like wearing a neon pink dress. Think of this pink dress as a metaphor for self love…

Could people look at you weird because you are bright and stand out?

Yes, but you aren’t explicitly hurting anyone by wearing it, and it brings you joy so screw it. The only people you are potentially bothering are those who do not like the color pink and let's be real, they will get over it. If they don’t, were they really relationships you wanted to begin with?

Could wearing the bright pink dress make you uncomfortable because it is not really your usual style?

Also yes, but when I put on the pink dress I felt more joyful. A small twinge of discomfort is worth the end result of increased happiness.

Finally, could people come up to you and say the dress is not their taste, and it’s not something they would have picked out for you?

Definitely. But as a human being, you are allowed to change and grow. That is what self love is… knowing your value whether you are in a pink dress or not, whether you are wearing your typical workout clothes or not.

Side 2: You Need People

I went bowling with friends this weekend and had the best time. I adore my friends. That being said, they are awful bowlers. Despite that fact, we had the best time yelling and screaming, encouraging each other as we each bowled gutter ball after gutter ball. I also would like to mention that we chose to go bowling during the bowling league time at BelMateo. We were surrounded by actual bowling league bowlers who scowled at us the entire hour that we were there. Apparently when you do not follow “bowling etiquette” you get a lot of dirty looks. (Yes, bowling etiquette is an actual thing). Sometimes needing people is like going bowling with your friends…

Can your friends prevent you from throwing gutter ball after gutter ball?

No, but they can cheer you on and laugh while telling you that you are just “warming up” and the next ball will for sure result in a strike.

Can your friends prevent the other people at the bowling alley from giving you dirty looks when you scream in excitement after bowling two strikes in a row?

Also no, but their cheers make the scowls sting a little less, and their celebrations also make your victories that little bit sweeter.

Alright Gennie I follow you, but these two sides still seem mutually exclusive… How does wearing a pink dress relate to bowling with friends? How can self love relate to needing others?

Let’s combine the two metaphors: bowling in a neon pink dress… kind of a funny image.

When it comes to your life, you get to choose what makes you happy. You are NOT responsible for anyone else’s happiness but your own. That means you need to love yourself enough to know you should wear the pink dress bowling if that is what is going to bring you joy. Practice that self love! If it’s not a pink dress, then maybe it’s saying no to going on a trip with a friend because you are too stressed out, or maybe it is letting go of what others expect from you to embrace what you truly value. Self love means making decisions that are going to make you happy and healthy, regardless of if it disappoints or bothers others.

When it comes mixing self love and needing others. Your friends should celebrate your practices of self love. If your friends are true ones then they will admire your pink dress, applaud your strikes, and encourage you after your gutter balls.

When is self love too much? That, I am still trying to figure out. For now, I do not feel like I am at a place where my self love overpowers my want/need to help and care for others. If anything I am continuously putting others before myself and my own needs which results in some not so great situations for my mental health. Anyone with tips and tricks or answers for the question "When it is ok to put up boundaries to take care of your health even when those you love are hurting too?", kindly reach out. That being said, I do know that self love, in this case the metaphor of wearing a pink dress, does not negatively impact any of my friends. Would you equate condescending looks at a pink dress in a bowling alley to being self centered? No, so do not confuse self love with being selfish. In most cases, they are two very different things.

When does the need for others become too much? Well, your friends are NOT there to bowl for you, and they cannot predict where your next ball will go. That is where you have to love yourself enough to know that your worth is not based on the dresses you wear or your final score of strikes, gutter balls and everything in between.

This week I am grateful for friends (Alaina, Nova, Caitlynn, Claire and Emma) who make me laugh, and refuse to allow guard rails even though we all know how bad at bowling we are. We have bounced back together after every gutter ball and celebrated every strike since high school. I cannot wait for many more memories. I will end this article with this quote:

“True friendship is self-love at second hand; where, as in a flattering mirror we may see our virtues magnified and our errors softened, and where we may fancy our opinion of ourselves confirmed by an impartial and faithful witness” - William Hazlitt