Saying Goodbye to my Therapist

I have had the same therapist since I was 16. Since 2015. In two days, I am moving states, and today was our last session. I started to cry before I even wrote this post because there are no words adequate enough to describe how grateful I am for them and all they have done for me.

This post chronicles my therapy journey, in the form of a letter to my therapist who for the sake of anonymity I will call Blake. I hope that this letter can also serve as a personal testimony to encourage anyone who is thinking about giving therapy a try for the first time.

Dear Blake,

In high school, I believed my worth was based on my accomplishments, which fed patterns of perfectionism and anxiety that I, as you already know, continue to work through today. I was a very depressed, anxious, miserable 16 year old when we met in “Group”. What I did not know when I walked into the group on the first day was that this would be the place where I would spill my deepest fears, secrets, and feelings to you as well as a room of 3-5 other struggling teens.

I attended group therapy every Wednesday with you for nearly two and a half years… Every wednesday we sat in a circle, ate snacks, cried, laughed and hoped that we would reach a time where we no longer felt this shitty. You were our champion: our light, our cheerleader, our shoulder to cry on, and most importantly the bringer of yummy snacks to every session.

You fostered an environment of openness where people wanted to share what they were thinking and feeling. You helped us break the chains that depression, anxiety, eating disorders, and intrusive thoughts had on us. Instead of letting us see these diseases as weaknesses you encouraged us to view them as our superpowers: an experience in our life that was leading us to become more empathetic friends, braver social advocates, and go-getters of a life that we would truly love living. You instilled in me invaluable skills like the practice of saying “no”, how to set boundaries, principles of self care, and how to actively push back against perfectionism.

In a time in my life where I struggled to see a light at the end of the dark tunnel I was in, you led me to a place where I felt less alone. Now, I follow a lot of the people that I spent every wednesday with on social media and I know for sure that life does get better… We are living proof of that, and you are a huge reason why we are all still alive today.

Due to a lot of factors that you already know about, I decided to seek out therapy again about four months after I graduated college. When I looked up your name and saw that you were taking new clients I almost cried in relief. Not only did the lessons you taught me in high school still inform my daily life, I also knew that you got it. You got me, and I couldn’t have dreamed up a better scenario to enter back into treatment.

Right before our first session after four years of not seeing you, I was SO nervous. What if you hated having me as a patient when I was in high school? I thought about the situation where I was like a student you despised having who kept coming back to visit. All those insecurities went away when you showed up on my computer screen for the first time, and I felt a weight lifted off my shoulders. This is a person who knows me, who sees me, and who I don’t have to pretend to be anyone but myself with.

Like you have always told me: worrying is not productive - and that couldn’t have been more true for this situation. Right from our first session after a hiatus you jumped back into challenging my long held, often problematic assumptions of what it means to be a good friend, daughter, sister and person. You have helped me unravel deep seated beliefs I have about myself that only have served to limit my potential instead of fostering growth. While seeing the ugliest parts of me, you have continued to remain non-judgemental of me. I have never felt ashamed of even my least admirable actions.

When I think about our entire journey together I am amazed at the transformation that I have made as a result of your help. From my most recent learning of venturing “OUT” of my anxiety rather than retreating in, to the very first lessons of saying “no” that you have taught me, every session has been more valuable than the last.

What I didn’t realize in our sessions in high school, is that being a therapist has to be one of the most selfless professions, at least if you’re a good one… and you’re a great one. Every other week, you listen to me talk about struggles and victories regarding my family, my friends, my work, and just life in general. You ALWAYS validate my emotions even when I have no idea if you are going through something 10x worse. I know maybe 5 concrete facts about you, yet you are one of the most influential people that has come into my life. Whether I was actively seeing you or not, the lessons that I learned in our sessions are what inform and continue to inform the way I live. Therapy with you has been more than I could have ever hoped for.