Putting in the Work

After graduating college, one of the first things that I did was visit my best friend from high school in Boston. Mady is an absolute light to be around, and was a very welcomed distraction from the struggles that I had found within the confines of young adulthood. On the six hour plane rides to and from my trip, I read the book “Maybe You Should Talk to Someone” by Lori Gottlieb. The tagline describes the book as one about “a Therapist, Her Therapist and Our Lives Revealed”.

Before I get into what this book is about, I must discuss my support for therapy. Since the age of 15 I have been treated for Clinical Depression and Generalized Anxiety Disorder. I suffered from depression and anxiety for an entire year before seeing a licensed therapist. When my therapist gave me an introductory checklist to rate my symptoms I felt like it was made to describe exactly how I was feeling: sleeping all the time? Check. Lack of motivation and interest in things previously enjoyed? Check. Feeling like small tasks took a ton of effort? Check. Irritability towards people I love? Definitely check. I had become someone I no longer recognized, a shell of my once bubbly personality. At this point in my life, I felt so hopeless. The stairs I was climbing were too steep and I was exhausted: mentally and physically.

I cycled through four different antidepressants until I found one that worked. I attended individual therapy once a week, and group therapy for young teens once a week as well. I learned coping strategies, I learned to set boundaries to care for my wellbeing, and I started to identify what I needed in order to take care of myself. Slowly, things got better: I started playing soccer again, I went to dinner with friends, and my sisters and I enjoyed peaceful and fun times again.

Retrospectively I was working to be better at climbing the staircase I was on. That is not to say that I did not learn very valuable life skills. That being said, ultimately I became a better climber, a more healthy climber but a climber nonetheless. I was at such a deep low by the time I entered therapy that just feeling ‘ok’ with where I was at was astronomically better than I had been previously, and so I stopped trying to improve more. Therapy got me to college and then once I was there I had mastered what it meant to climb the staircases as a student and as an athlete. What happens now that I am not a student? Sure I still learn, but I do not have classes or grades. What happens now that I am not an athlete? Sure I am still active and workout all the time, but I do not have practices or games or a team.

I came to the realization that I just learned to just be ‘ok’. That is not what I want for my life, so I went back to the place that led me to the most self realization and change: therapy. I started seeing the therapist I saw in high school, and had only had one appointment with her before I went to Boston. Back to the book, one quote specifically stuck out to me. Lori Gottlieb, a therapist and also a participant of therapy herself talks about a commonality that she sees in therapy:

“People want a speedy solution to their problems, but what if their moods had been driven down in the first place by the hurried pace of their lives? ‘Modern man thinks he loses something -time- when he does not do things quickly; yet he does not know what to do with the time he gains except kill it”

Looking back to my time in therapy in High School, I took the speedy solution. Maybe I am not giving myself enough credit, but I settled for the antidepressants, a few boundaries, and the realization that I could not be perfect at everything. I took time off of my regular activities to get better, but then as soon as I was better? I went straight back to my normal routine with changes that made me more efficient, and careful. I still filled my time; I still moved quickly and according to what others wanted. Ultimately I think I am scared of having time to kill. Like what Lori Gottlieb said, many of us do not know what to do with the free time we do have. That fear was so prevalent I structured my life so I never had any free time: I always had the next game, or practice, the next assignment or essay and with therapy I was good at staying on track. I was good at balancing all of my work. That got me through high school, that got me through college, but my deep seated issues? The issues I have when I have nothing to distract me? Nothing to work on? They are still there, still affecting my everyday life now that I do not have the distraction of school and soccer. Confronting those issues? That is where the real work begins.