New Year... Still Me.
In past years, the New Year has definitely brought me a burst of renewal and extra energy. This year the New Year has come and gone and I do not feel any different: if anything the start of a new year feels exhaustingly full with the expectation of newness and transformation.
When you google “resolution” this is what the internet gives you:
A New Year's resolution is a tradition, most common in the Western World but also found in the Eastern World, in which a person resolves to continue good practices, change an undesired trait or behavior, accomplish a personal goal, or otherwise improve their life at the start of a new year.
This led me to a realization: the New Year is a double edged sword. On one side, it is a fresh start, a new beginning, a time to make goals and plans and promises. On the other hand, it is just another day. Goals, plans and promises require hard work and motivation that at least in my experience you do not just magically “get” and most of all sustain once the calendar says January 1st.
Reflecting on my past New Years Resolutions, I felt discouraged. Instead of habits to work on, behaviors to change and goals to strive towards my resolutions looked more like a To-Do List. A To-Do List with VERY little items checked off:
Run 10 miles? Yeah…no. 5 is still a definite struggle.
Do a handstand? Nope… gonna need shoulder surgery instead.
Complete a Pull-up? Torn Labrum got in the way of that too.
Graduate College
Read 30 books
Viewing the New Year as a new start and a fresh beginning is helpful for some people. It gives them the motivation to make real, healthy changes in their lives and that is amazing. I also think the whole “New Year, New Me” sentiment implies that the past year and “Old You” are inherently inadequate which can be harmful and is entirely untrue. Another thing: I am just TIRED. This past year has been hard, the pandemic has been brutal on society both economically, and socially. Entering 2022 with another impending COVID surge does not provide me with the motivation to make all my dreams a reality.
These were the thoughts and feelings that carried me to have a different feeling towards the New Year this time around. This year I went into the New Year both exhausted but equally proud of what I had accomplished and done in 2021. I was not perfect by any means: I made mistakes, I have done things I am not proud of, and I have so much to learn. That being said, after the shit show that was 2021 I am proud that I am out on the other side. That is enough to celebrate and be grateful for. 2021 while filled with a pandemic, and many life changes also holds some of the things I am most proud of. I do not want to leave the 2021 version of me behind, but instead I want to continue to build momentum. I took the first week and a half of 2022 just to reflect on 2021 and feel all the feelings that come with the start of another trip around the sun.
Of course who I was last year is different from who I am today, that's 365+ days of growth and change. Neither version of me is better or worse than the other, they are just different.
2021 Highlights:
January: Snowshoed for 10 miles! Thank you Elise for the adventure, and helping me realize I can never live somewhere that is always cold.
February: Turned 22 and Skied for the first time ever! Emma, you are the best teacher ever, and as always I am SO grateful for you.
March: Binge watched the entirety of Schitt’s Creek - amazing masterpiece of a TV Show
April: Saw the Tulip Festival in Mount Vernon with some of the best people.
May: Graduated College!
June: Moved home and saw my little sister graduate High School.
July: I started my first Adult Job at Netreo as a Developer Support Engineer.
August: Saw one of my best friends from high school Debut his short film in Redwood City. Bryce, you are a creative genius. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lInGFb_h_ZU
September: I saw my favorite country artist ever at the most beautiful venue. Shout out to Ricardo, Brett Young and Mountain Winery for an amazing night.
October: Spent Halloween with my best friend since the 6th grade in Boston.
November: Had Thanksgiving with my family after spending last year’s holiday apart due to COVID.
December: Started this blog!
Honorable Mentions: finishing my collegiate soccer career, completing an education capstone project and a computer science thesis, visiting my twin sister in Spokane and celebrating her graduation
What an amazing year. After a year as eventful and filling as this one for once, I did not want to minimize the accomplishments of 2021 by piling on expectations for 2022. I started to think about how I could start the New Year striving towards new experiences while also remaining grateful for what past me has done and learned the past 365 days of living? I decided to write my resolutions with three different components:
Lesson/Experience from 2021 → I want to respect the person I was and the people I was surrounded by in 2021. I went through some tough shit, my friends went through some tough shit, and we all made it through another year.
Goal/Intention it inspired for 2022 → I want to carry on the learning I have done in 2021 into the New Year. I want to build momentum, not reinvent myself.
Actionable Item → I want to take action in 2022 and these small action items will hopefully give me a launching point to jumpstart my goal/intention. The idea is that these items are small, achievable, and measurable. Kind of similar to my “To Do List” resolutions from 2021.
For accountability purposes I will share two of my resolutions:
Resolution #1:
Lesson/Experience: You know those people who are just like a breath of fresh air? You meet them and their smile lights up the room? When you think of the color yellow what do you think of? I think of sunshine, of happiness, of warmth.
If my friend Hannah had an aura, or if she could metaphorically be equated to a color it would be yellow. Coincidentally, that is also her favorite color. As a roommate, and a friend, I have watched Hannah go through some of the toughest times a person can face. In the midst of grief, and adversity she has shined with authenticity and genuine kindness. Her blog is thoughtful, transparent, and one of the main reasons I started my own. In her own mental health journey and mission to normalize grieving she preaches loving others, giving hugs, and reminding people how wonderful they truly are.
Goal/Intention:
Embrace the Yellow in Life - Life is hard, life is short, but life is also filled with so many “Yellow” experiences. Hannah has inspired me in 2021 by the way that she tackles life. It is easy to get dragged down in your day to day, and to let obstacles trip you up. Rather than succumbing to the grey, and the monotony of life I want to turn my attention to the yellow: to the good things, to the happiness, to the bright parts. I am not going to lie, depression and anxiety can make it really hard to find the yellow parts of life at times, but everyday has at least one if you look hard enough. It is my goal to intentionally seek out the yellow in every day of 2022.
Actionable Item(s):
Spend time outside every weekend
Say out loud 3 things you are grateful for before bed
Resolution #2:
Lesson/Experience: 2021 was the first memorable time in my life where I feel like I really experienced Imposter Syndrome. Imposter Syndrome is defined as “doubting your abilities and feeling like a fraud”. This is especially prevalent being a female in the field of computer science. In a male dominated field I was often one of a very minimal number of women in my classes and when I started interviewing for jobs, those interviews were most often conducted by men. I am incredibly blessed to have an amazing support system at my company including a boss and coworkers who are fantastic female tech role models and peers, but that does not mean that the doubt goes away. I remember interviewing for tech roles and doubting myself so much I had talked myself into believing that I would not get the job before the interview was even over.
Goal/Intention: Be my own biggest cheerleader. - I am already really good at being hard on myself. What I can improve on is believing in the person I am. I know I work hard, I know I am capable and I am figuring out what I want in life. This does not just apply to work. This is applicable to my friendships, to my relationships, to my hobbies and all my future endeavors. In 2022 I want to go get it. Whatever I decide the “it” is… moving, traveling, new experiences, etc.. I want to be the one in the front row, cheering myself on every step, not talking myself out of trying.
Actionable Item(s):
Intentionally celebrate my accomplishments with an activity of my choice.
Counter every negative thought with three positive ones.
While the New Year is exciting and an opportunity to shake things up, my lesson this week was that it was ok to sit and feel. I did absolutely nothing the past 12 days to work towards my 2022 resolutions, and that is OK. I sat, I reflected, and I felt all that I learned and experienced in 2021 and now I am ready to bring all of that wisdom to 2022… it just took 12 extra days.
If that is where you are too, give yourself some grace. The New Year, while exciting, does not give yourself the permission to forgo self care especially in the time we are currently in. If you do not have any resolutions…? That is ok too, because living life is an accomplishment in itself.
Thank you to my amazing support system at work for being kick ass women who inspire me on a daily basis. Together we are making cracks in the glass ceiling. I am so grateful for you all. A special shout goes to Hannah who is a constant role model to me for what it means to be grateful, authentic, and loving no matter what life throws at you.
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