Internal Happiness vs. External Things

“I just want you to be happy”. There is so much value placed on happiness in life. I feel like it is one of the most sought after things in the world. In countless books, tv shows and conversations I hear the words “I just want you to be happy” or “as long as you are happy”. But what is happiness and how do you get/keep it??

Let me backtrack to what got me thinking about this. I am a MASSIVE John Mulaney fan. We are talking like my sister and I have seen all his Netflix Specials about a dozen times (the image below is my little sister at his show this past weekend).

For those of you that do not know, John Mulaney is a stand up comedian who has done work on SNL, and is now on tour doing a comedy show around the US. In the past two years John Mulaney has been to rehab for drug addiction and in his show he talks a lot about his sobriety. In one of his rare serious moments towards the end of the show he said this:

“You cannot get internal happiness through external things.”

It struck me quite hard. There is such depth in a statement like this. His comment also got me to think about happiness as a duality: external and internal. How many times do you seek out external things: alcohol, drugs, shopping, food, etc. to subdue internal problems? What a tough pill to swallow. Sure, sometimes external things might make you feel better for a little while, but they never solve the core issues. This is a somewhat silly example but it makes its point so please bare with me for a moment:

Lately in my life I am feeling like I am not doing enough. No matter how well I am doing in work, how many trips I go on, or how many workouts I power through I can pretty constantly feel inadequate. When it gets really bad, my vice is that I turn to sweets to make me feel better. I have a huge sweet tooth. When I am feeling down on myself or not enough, ice cream makes me feel at least a little bit better. Sitting in front of my tv and eating ice cream makes all of my problems go away for about an hour. In the grand scheme of things, eating ice cream and watching tv is not inherently harmful. Pretending my problems do not exist and using external things to mask internal issues I am facing is harmful practice though, and one that is far too common in society.

External things aid what I am going to call the “mask of fineness”. To elaborate, the mask of fineness refers to times where you are pretending to be ok even when you really are not. You have a tough day at work? It is easier to pour a glass of wine and relax, pretending to be ok than it is to unpack the events of the day with a friend. Have a rough breakup? Society tells you it is more normal to sit in bed and eat piles of sweets than it is to decompress and go on a walk.

I am not saying that external things do not have their value, and the mask of “fineness” does not have its place. Unveiling your true state of mind is not easy and takes a level of vulnerability that many people have an extremely hard time with. The facade of being fine can help until one is ready to be vulnerable. The issue comes when that facade is never broken down and external things become the crutch to keep that level of fineness.

It is easier to pretend you are fine than to face the struggles we are so determined to keep hidden.

This led me to think about why as a society we are so determined to mask our feelings and pretend that they do not exist. We place so much value on external things. This is not limited to material goods like the latest technology, the biggest houses and the coolest clothes. This extends to skills and accomplishments as well: who can get the best grades, be the best at their sport, and win the most awards. This begins at such a young age too. Especially growing up in the Bay Area, there is a certain level of expectation that comes with the opportunities afforded to you. In many cases excelling is the expectation, and “doing your best” is just not enough. Another external factor that I feel like we do not talk about enough is the value placed on “coolness”. Based on societal norms and rules, what you do or do not do can add to your general perceived coolness or take away from it.

Score the game winning goal in your soccer match? 10 points for your coolness factor.

Sport the most recent fashion to class? 15 points.

Have the latest iPhone to take the best pictures? 5 points.

School, and childhood can be viewed as a constant competition for points. When you think about what wins you my so called “coolness” points in life, does emotional vulnerability even cross your mind? Probably not.

That is because being “fine” is so much cooler than needing help. And that is a problem, because from a very young age we are teaching the kids of the world that being fine is cool and being vulnerable is not. We are teaching our younger generation that external events that bring us happiness: winning an award, drinking our favorite soda, or buying a new t-shirt are more important than what we feel on the inside. No wonder we are growing up in a generation where in 2019 suicide was the second leading cause of death among individuals between the ages of 10 and 34 (NIMH). Society’s portrayal of what can bring us happiness is leaving our kids with very little experience and knowledge on what it means to have internal happiness and be at peace with themselves.

Colleges often place young people into situations where it is “cool” for them to get drunk when they are in emotional turmoil rather than confiding in a friend. Once we reach adulthood, we have endured such a pattern of relying on external events and others to bring us happiness that we do not know how to create happiness within ourselves. So as adults we turn to substances, and activities to simulate the happiness that we so desire only to be left with that same empty feeling when the high from external stimulation wears off.

If we just want people to be happy then why aren’t we encouraging them to work through their trauma, and learn how to attain internal peace?

When I think about what makes me happy I think about a lot of different things: laughing with my friends, lifting weights, hiking, reading books, and watching TV to name a few. But what if you take all of that away?

Imagine taking away all of your possessions, all of your concerts, events, and travel plans. You are left alone. Are you happy?

Do you know how to be grateful for what life has given you? Do you know how to be proud of your accomplishments even if you fall a bit short of your goals? Do you like who you are when you take a hard look at how you treat others?

I believe you can create internal happiness even during the darkest times but it takes practice, self awareness and a willingness to be vulnerable and honest with yourself and others.

The next time you turn to a drink after a tough day of work, or a bowl of ice cream to unwind from a long day. Ask yourself if you are putting on a mask of fineness or truly doing what is best for yourself.

You cannot find internal happiness through external things.